The Robes of Magicka

Robes are unlocked from the various DLC for Magicka, at the time of writing there are 28 robes in the game. Getting them all is somewhat costly, but the game is on sale very frequently so it's best if you wait for one if you're not made of money. In this section I will list all of the robes by DLC; each DLC's robes will be detailed later in the guide. All robes, unless specified, have 1,000 HP.

These robes are unlocked by default so they require no additional purchases.

• Vanilla Robe
  
• Patched Robe
  
• Cyber Robe
  
• Space Robe
  
• Reddit Robe
  
• Reservoir Robe
  
• Crusader Robes

• Robe and Hat

• Battle Robe Uniform

• Nippon Robe

• Rogue Robe
  
• Support Robe
  
• Tank Robe

• Frontier Robe

• Zombie Robe
  
• Epic Robe
  
• Tentacle Robe

• Detective Robe
  
• Cultsit Robe

• Alucart
  
• Necromancer Robes

• Heavy Metal Robe
  
• Tribal Drummer Robe
  
• Epic Sax Robe

• Electrobe
  
• Robe of Flamos
  
• Robe of Coldarr

• Dr. Quake
  
• Dr. Terrible
  
• Which Dr.

• Bath Robe

A gaggle of real-life wizards

These robes are available without any DLC. In this section I decided to cover the robes that are available for free to clean up any confusion to make newcomers more welcome to the daunting amount of different robes to chose from.
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Look at me, I'm boring!
The robe that started it all. This robe has only one thing that makes it stand out; each player's robe has different items on their torso and hips, which is only a cosmetic effect. Because it's a well-rounded robe, it's useful for newcomers to use it.

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Fun fact: "mea culpa" is Latin for "my mistake"
Added as a joke in the free Mea Culpa DLC about the huge amount of bugs that the game had at launch; the Patched Robe starts with the Bug Staff and the Broken Sword. The staff lets you summon a swarm of bugs with a press of the mouse wheel. These bugs get the attention of enemies and attacks enemies that are near it. Unfortunately the swarm doesn't damage spiders or enemies with armour, attacks allied players and moves slowly. They also make a really annoying noise that makes you want to die. This staff isn't very useful after the second or third chapter of the campaign so it might be a good idea to switch it with another staff as early as possible. The Broken Sword is also mediocre, only doing slightly more damage than the regular sword.

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Don't kid yourself, nobody saw Tron and Legacy was crap.
This robe has unique stats that aren't attached to any items, but to the robe itself. This will be a recurring theme among the majority of robes. This robe has an arcane weakness, life immunity, lightning absorption and a water weakness. This robe can be difficult for newcomers because of its immunity to life. The immunity to life is, thankfully, overshadowed by the absorption of lightning, which heals the wearer. This change makes maps with lightning-based enemies and obstacles (of which there are few) much easier but also makes it harder for an ally to heal because the lightning would also damage nearby players. This also means that with a water shield (QE middle-click) the player is immune to a thunderstorm, which can make clearing tough obstacles a breeze (if you pardon the pun). As powerful as this sounds, there aren't many times where you fight lightning-based enemies so the uses are few and far between.
The staff isn't any different from the vanilla one but the weapon is ranged and bounces between enemies, dealing some of the biggest damage in a ranged weapon and instantly killing other wizards wearing the Cyber Robe.
_________________________________________________________________________________ This warhammer cost 40k!
The tankiest of all robes, also the most difficult to play. The Space Robe has a whopping 2,000 HP, armour and some health regeneration. This counters the immunity to life which makes healing a simple task of going to make a cup of tea. The robe also provides immunity to panic and poison (two conditions that are rare and not very harmful), resistance to fire and cold, and weakness to arcane and lightning. The immunities that are provided aren't very useful (although are still helpful) but the resistance to fire is useful because, of what I've seen, fire seems to be the most used element in both enemies and hazards. The weaknesses aren't a big deal either because arcane and lightning aren't used very often.
The staff provides the ability to charge into or out of danger, which can be useful if the situation goes awry. The weapon is a fantastic addition as it is ranged and sets the target alight, dealing damage over time.
_________________________________________________________________________________ Oh no, a downvote!
Allows the player to become an annoying upvote-dependant wizard. This robe lacks realism because casting spells doesn't make your character spout memes from 2007 and onwards. The robe doesn't have any unique traits but the items do. The staff lets the player spawn one of two types of mine: healing and arcane. I'm not sure what the percentage is but it's safe to assume that it's 50% and you're just unlucky. Both mines have their uses but the random nature carries too much risk for it to be useful and the mines can be created by WE for healing and AR SE for arcane. The weapon also has a random nature but no negatives come from it, every hit has a fairly high chance to inflict a status ailment (wet, burning, poison etc.) on the target while also dealing less damage. The weapon is much more useful than the staff which should be exchanged for others whenever the opportunity arrives.
Ditched ideas for similar robes were the 4 chan robe which fills an enemy's ears with racism and misogyny whenever a spell is cast, and the SA robe where it costs $10 to own, another $10 to be able to cast spells and $5 to change your colour to something other than brown.
_________________________________________________________________________________ I can't think of a joke for this one. I have failed.
Identical to the Vanilla Robe but with an M1911 instead of a blunt sword. The M1911 is a basic ranged weapon that is slightly more powerful than most starting weapons but slower, meaning that the damage per second is worse than the blunt sword, its long range makes up for the low DPS as you can stay safe from a distance. This robe also has sunglasses so it looks hip and trendy.

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I won't write a Monty Python reference because I'm above that.
This robe, like the Space Robe, has armour, allowing it to be dealt more damage than others. The Holy Shield lets the player perform a shield bash, knocking down whatever it hits, and has a small decreased spell efficiency aura. The wizard also carries a sharp blade, a sword that does slightly more damage than the blunt blade and isn't very useful. Both should be replaced whenever possible.

Fly, you fools!
A tiny upgrade to the vanilla robe, the Robe and Hat comes with the Staff +1 and the Sharp Blade. The staff is an extremely small upgrade to the Basic Staff, providing a mere 1 extra damage to every spell. It looks pretty cool, I guess. The weapon is the very same weapon that the Crusader Robe comes with, dealing slightly more damage than the blunt sword. Being an upgrade to the vanilla robe, it's best for newer players or those who dislike the gimmicks of every other robe.

Coincidentally I wrote about this on the 4th of July.
A robe that's useful for all players, the Battle Robe comes with the Patriot Staff and the M16A1. This one was a personal favourite of mine for a very long time because the gun is probably the best starting weapon. The staff lets you love America throw a grenade which causes a medium-sized explosion, dealing a respectable amount of damage and killing any wizards that are in it. Unfortunately this makes it difficult to heal yourself if you're in a hurry as you could easily throw it by mistake. The weapon is a ranged firearm that fires in powerful three-shot bursts. Its power and range makes it a useful weapon throughout the entire game. This robe is a lot of fun and I often found myself using the gun more than spells (mostly because I'm bad at the game) and if you hate this robe, you hate America. This will kill you.

こんにちはかわいい男の子
The anime Nippon robe is a very stylish robe that comes with the Staff of Endurance and Yawarakai-Te, two excellent starting items. The staff provides a 20% resilience to all elements, including life and status ailments. This is a staff that you could use throughout the entire campaign. Unfortunately this makes it harder to heal, but the resilience to every other element means that there isn't much to heal in comparison to the vanilla robe so it's only a minor problem. The weapon is less interesting, dealing low, armour-piercing damage very quickly. The low damage is countered with the armour-piercing aspect and the faster attack speed makes it a very useful weapon until late in the game. This robe also lets you reenact your own Naruto fanfic or whatever it is otakus do nowadays.

Joke's on you, you're stunned for 10 seconds and I'm invisible again!
One of the most popular robes; it comes with faster movement speed, invisibility when blocking, smoke bombs, a crossbow and a measly 400HP. It's not very good at all in singleplayer (without skill), but the added maneuverability makes it fantastic when there's another player to soak up the damage for you. The smoke bombs allow you to blink backwards, the same distance as the teleport magick, which allows for a quick getaway for when things get messy and your partner is abysmal. As useful as it sounds, it's very easy to blink into danger or off of a ledge and should be replaced if you find a staff that provides extra health or resistance. The crossbow is similar to the M1911 but dealing less damage and having limited range, but it poisons every enemy it hits which easily makes up the little damage. The short range of the crossbow synergises with the smoke bombs' blink and makes the rogue very fun to play and very efficient if you can play it right.
_________________________________________________________________________________ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ tank noob! Noob!! Learn to play or I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ report, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ noob!!
A mediocre robe that isn't even good at its job. This robe starts with the Staff of Everlasting Support and Healing Hands. The staff makes the wearer's spells less efficient but provides an aura that boosts ally's spells, making it the worst staff in the entire game. If you're going through the campaign then a useful staff found early on in chapter one is the Staff of Life. The healing hands are low melee damage fists that are terrible right from the beginning but are incredibly soft I wonder what product she uses.
_________________________________________________________________________________ Guys I have to have the best DPS, it's the only way that I can be a good tank!
Not as good as the Rogue Robe and not as bad as the Support Robe, the Tank Robe is slow but highly resistant to damage. The Greater Shield of Protection allows the wielder to perform a shield bash, knocking down small enemies and shields them from spells, making them do less damage. It also makes spells less effective, so it should be replaced with anything if you get bored of beating things up at close, but let's be honest who would get bored of bludgeoning things? The Extra Blunted Blade, if you can even call it a blade, is a plethoric weapon that was stolen from Monster Hunter or something that is bad. Very bad. It deals less damage than even the blunt blade with its slow, weak attacks. Replace it with anything, even another player. The tank robe is actually pretty good after you replace the atrocities that you're given at the start. I guess that the small are right; size doesn't matter.

Us Trekkies, eh?
Comes with the Dueling Staff and the Type 2 Phaser. The staff is just like the vanilla one but with an extra melee attack, useful for those with ranged weapons; the attack knocks back multiple enemies (and allies) that are in front of you, which is useful for escape but not so useful if you're looking for a melee brawl for some ungodly reason. The Phaser is almost identical to the M1911 but it deals dealing lightning damage, which makes it very useful against wet enemies. Both of these items are average and would both be replaced by the time you get halfway through the game.

You don't understand the gravity gun of the situation.
I lied when I talked about the Space Robe, this is the tankiest robe. This robe has a colossal 5,000 HP, resilience to everything, poison immunity but has a much slower movement speed. The robe's weapon, the crowbar, is a high damage per second armour piercing melee weapon that you will most likely keep throughout the majority of the campaign due to its power. The staff allows you to send an AoE blast of poison, hitting enemies and players. Both weapons are useful, with the former being the more useful, and should be kept for the majority of the campaign.
_________________________________________________________________________________ Goon Squad best guild EU
Another 'tanky' robe, but don't let that make you think that it's very good at tanking. This robe has 1,300 HP; resistances to arcane, physical damage and life; an epic staff and sword. Unlike other 'tank' robes, this one doesn't have anything that makes it worthwhile. The staff gives a +11% damage aura for a short time, which makes it one of the most useful starting items. The sword is ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ terrible and does 95 damage to everything, don't use it. Other than the terrible sword this robe is pretty le epic XD so epic so epic for the win XD
_________________________________________________________________________________ Unfortunately this robe does not allow you to take over the world.
A robe with 1,200 HP, physical resistance, fire weakness (+50% damage), Chron-o-rod and Red Death-Phazer. The chron-o-rod lets you cast the time-warp magick even when you don't have it, making it very useful until you get time warp, which makes it useless. The phazer is a ranged weapon that deals low arcane damage slowly, any other weapons are better. This robe is pretty useful in areas with absolutely no fire, otherwise the extra 200 HP is meaningless because of how much damage you'll be taking.

I've come to the conclusion that there are mentally deficient "people" in the comments.
Very slightly different from the vanilla robe, the Detective robe comes with a magnifying staff and a pair of brass knuckles. The knuckles are the same as the blunt sword but the staff has a fun gimmick -- zooming the camera in to the area around the wielder. This robe can also detect secrets. Lacking in game-changing gimmicks means that this robe is very useful for beginners and the staff is great for annoying your friends and making them stop talking to me for years and then steal my girlfriend ♥♥♥♥ YOU JOHN

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9/11 was an inside job
This robe is unlocked after completing the campaign for The Stars Are Left and I am bad at Magicka so I don't have it and can't give an opinion of it. It comes with the Octorod and sacrificial dagger. The staff lets you summon a fire elemental and the dagger probably does something. No, seriously, these tentacles are part of the robe, I swear.
- Lonely Wizard on showing up to a blind date. Again.

The cultist robe is your reward for completed the campaign of The Stars Are Left. It isn't particularly gimmick nor does it have any real weaknesses, and most of its ability comes from the equipment it wields. The sword this robe comes with is the sacrificial dagger, a weapon with the only noteworthy factor being its poison effect.

The Octo-Rod is the unique piece of this robe, with the active ability to summon a "Conscious Blaze" - those volcanoe monsters which spawn endlessly when trying to lower the bridge during the last chapter of TSaL campaign. As summons, the conscious blaze doesn't shine, but does find some use. Most annoyingly, the summoning rules are glitch - at first you can have about four blazes summoned, but as time goes on you'll be restricted to just one blaze - and summoning anything else will kill it regardless.

In combat, the blazes are nothing spectacular but not useless either. Their fire attacks have a line-based area of effect, however blazes only damage with afterburn. One problem with blazes is just how glitchy the rod's summoning is. Early in a challenge the user may have three to five blazes out at once, but after the first few waves or a bit of traveling the blazes die after one summons, even if you are summoning a zombie or elemental. Additionally blazes will spew fire even if there are no enemies near them, and because they have no indication of WHEN they'll spit fire, they can often light yourself or your friends on fire when you aren't being extra careful. Still, the blaze is a better meat shield than bugs, but remember to switch out your rod after a while.

*The robes themselves claim to be water repellent, but I can't figure out what this status actually does. You get wet normally and receive the same knockback, and the robes don't dry by themselves either.

I'm useless
This robe is one that many people won't play if they (like me) bought the DLC expecting robes to use in the campaign and the occasional PvP arena and then subsequently be dissapointed. However, if you're smart (unlike me) then you'll not do that. Alucart is the most unique character in that he is not a robe and he doesn't have a staff, instead he uses his own powers. I'LL FINISH THIS IN A BIT, I'M BUSY
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I'm also useless, but not as much as Alucart
I'M STILL BUSY, GIVE ME A SEC GUYS IT'S BEEN A YEAR

These robes are, sadly, unavailable at the time of writing. It is unknown whether any will return or if any more will be made unavailable.
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This robe was based on me every day of my pathetic, unemployed life.
Included in a limited edition DLC that I don't own, so I'm afraid that I can't give any opinions based on my experience. The robe provides 30% less resilience and makes you 30% lighter and faster. Not very useful in singleplayer, but with a friend to take the damage it can prove to be very useful because of its speed. The weapon is a roll of newspaper named "The Aldrheim Project" which pushes back enemies when hit, and the staff is a mug of coffee that heals the player and makes them even faster for 3 seconds. The weapon is good but the staff is excellent and is useful for the majority, if not all, of the game because of the added maneuverability. This robe is very useful and I would highly recommend buying it. Oh, well that's a shame isn't it?

I'm not done yet, give me a while to finish this. I'll try to write about 4 or 5 robes a day. Thanks for your patience. As much as I'd love to write about wizards' apparel every waking second of my life, I'd rather gut myself.
Also, if something doesn't look finished then it most likely isn't and I'm in the middle of writing about it. Don't point out the fact that this isn't finished, not everybody has time to write guides so just wait or go on Google and look it up. It's not hard.